I have discovered something in psychoanalyzing myself over the last week and a half. If you listen to your body, it’ll let you know when you’re hungry.
That’s a concept I never actually dealt with before. I would eat because I could and if it tasted good I would go back for more… now that I get up and eat breakfast every morning, and grab my little baggies out of the fridge and snack every couple of hours on something really nutritious I don’t get hungry….
I ate my oatmeal this morning I was still a little hungry so I also fixed a Lean Cuisine pepperoni pizza. I then thought ‘well since I ate a little bit more than normal I’m not going to take a lunch box of snacks I’ll be fine.’….. luckily I have a snack bag in my car that has some granola and some almonds so I’ve been able to eat a few handfuls of almonds.
I am actually hungry for the first time in well probably years. (chuckles TO herself)
It was actually kind of a weird sensation it made me laugh to think that I’m fat but yet I’m ever never actually hungry.
My mom and dad were on my mind a lot this morning. I can’t really tell you why…..back when I used to go to church and believed in a god I used to pray for people whenever they crossed my mind out of the blue like that. Since I’ve lost my faith and prayer is not really in the cards for somebody who doesn’t believe in God anymore; when I have a peculiar thought about someone that I don’t think of very often I always question why.
I’ve tried to shake the feeling all day but I can’t seem to do it. Maybe i am suppose to reflect……
I remember the last time I saw my father…. It was about 5 years ago when him and his wife came for a visit and I remember him talking about how pretty he thought my sister was. (She’s my half-sister, he had her with his second wife.)
All I could think while listening to him talk was ‘I’ve never quite been good enough for him.’
I was always the fat daughter. My father is in great shape; he’s always worked out, boxed, lifted weights.
I remember going to the YMCA as a little girl and swimming while he worked out in the weight room and flirted with all the women.
I never was a priority for him.
I used to get so jealous of my sister for having a great relationship with him, she even lived with him for a while after her parents divorced.
My parents divorced when I was 4 so he would get me every other weekend (that was if he didn’t have a date. Most of the time he just took me along with his date my father was a bit of a player….probably still is.)
He’s on wife number four.
I still wonder sometimes why I was never good enough to deserve his love 100% And unconditional. What could I have done wrong as a child… as a little girl, to deserve a father not wanting to be a part of her life. If it had not been court ordered I don’t think he ever would have even seen me.
After I had my own fourth child, my father, with tears in his eyes, apologized for being a bad dad. He asked for my forgiveness, promised and failed to be there for me no matter what.
It was a pivotal day in my life.
I remember for the first time in a long time feeling like I could trust men again based on this one simple gesture by my sire.
Fast forward a few years later …here we are sitting at my kitchen table. He is telling me how amazing my half sister is. Thats the last time I saw my dad.
I had a few conversations with him after this but the actual last correspondence with my father was an email that I sent him explaining to him that my ex-husband was trying to take me to court for custody of our children at a time when I didn’t have a job.
I couldn’t afford an attorney… for the first time in my life I admitted in this email to being depressed and to actually considering what the world would be like if my life ended.
I told my father in this email I did not think I could go on without my kids and I had considered SUICIDE….::helloooo…..Daddy your little girl wants to die because she is so distraught!::
You know what happened?
I have not heard from my father one time since that last email that I sent.
I checked my email every day for 2 years I checked my phone everyday for 2 years to see if I had a missed call maybe a text message that I had missed….nothing.
The absolute lowest time in my life and my father was not there with even an encouraging word. Now we are four years past that time, it’s been almost 6 years since I actually spoke to him.
I really shouldn’t be hurt by it as he wasn’t actually never there when I was a little girl anyway… but knowing that I was gullible enough to believe him when he apologized and tried to make amends makes me feel extremely foolish.
I’m slowly starting to understand a little better why I am the way that I am.
I’m slowly starting to understand a little better why I love my husband with absolutely all of my heart because he’s the one true and consistent man that I’ve ever had in my life.
I’m slowly starting to understand a little better why I am fat.
I’m ALSO slowly starting to understand a little better that my daddy sucks.
He sucks as a father…. he sucks as a human…he sucks as a man and I will no longer be held victim to the fact that he cannot love.
I pity him for not being able to be there for me when I needed him, for not being able to love me when I needed love.
I hope that he finds inner peace and is able to love wholeheartedly in his next life because he’s the one that’s missing out……
(all pictures should be taken at this angle so you can’t see double chins! Just sayin)
This week actually went by a lot smoother than I had anticipated. I weighed this morning, my weight was 296.2.
I have officially lost 6 pounds in the first week eating approximately 1200 calories a day. I even splurged a little this weekend and ate a piece of my husband’s Pizza. We went to Pizza Hut and I got a salad and an order of hot wings that are baked.
He is also trying to lose weight so he did order a thin crust pizza and I ate one piece of it. ( it’s funny how we justify by saying a thin crust pizza is cutting calories because it has fewer calories and carbs than the original crust…. truth hurts).
We again tried to prepare for the week this week by fixing meals ahead of time last night I filled Ziplock bags full of grapes, apples, cauliflower, cherry tomatoes, cucumbers, thick sliced turkey that I had sliced at the deli.
We have had a few little mishaps along the way but no major fails (well unless you consider the ice cream cake debacle a fail). But I still managed to lose 6 pounds somehow.
I don’t feel any different. I am not seeing changes anywhere I’m assuming the majority of it was probably water weight….. but it does make me feel slightly triumphant I cannot lie.
It is much harder to keep up with a daily blog than I thought, so a few days have gone by since I posted anything.
Guess that doesn’t matter too much since this is really more for me than anybody else.
Oh the joys of accountability. Might even go so far as to post a nasty picture of myself sitting in my car currently just because I know no one else is going to see it but me.
All the double chin photos will keep me from going through a drive-thru and ordering the large french fries that I crave so badly!
I survived week one!
I swore I was not going to post all these horrible pictures that I save on my phone for just me, but since this is a weight loss Journey I’m having to push pride aside and post the yucky pictures and not edit. Let the fat hang out as the saying goes. So…..my goal was to try to eat really healthy for 2 weeks and then re-evaluate how I’ve done and hopefully I would have built up enough motivation to make this a lifestyle change.
Didn’t make it two days.
Yesterday all I had was carrots and celery and some grapes and I had had my oatmeal for breakfast and just the basic really low calorie or negative calorie foods.
What does a fat woman do when her husband comes home and says, “I really would like to have pizza for supper.”
She orders pizza.
Now mind you the fat woman’s way of thinking is to say, ” he is not dieting it’s not really fair to him to limit what he wants just because I’m trying to lose weight . I will order a thin-crust and I will only put vegetables on it that will make it healthy.” (round of applause for the rationalization!)
4 slices later you realize that that pizza had a lot of cheese and sauce… imagine that.
I did not let it stop there however, I have leftover ice cream cake in the freezer from my son’s 18th birthday last week. It’s gone.
My husband stated that we should have gotten rid of all of the unhealthy Foods in the house prior to starting because as long as they were in the home we were probably going to eat them.
He was right.
The good thing is I did get up this morning ready to hit it fresh and new again.
I ate oatmeal for breakfast and I have had grapes and some kosher pickles and some cauliflower dipped in light ranch dressing and a handful of almonds.
Stay tuned however because I still have powdered Donuts in the freezer at home!!!!!!
Well the good news is I did not die eating healthy yesterday.
The bad news is I’m not skinny yet.
I think I have been so prepared to feel hungry that somewhere in the back of my mind i felt I had to eat everything in sight in order to keep from feeling the sensation of hunger.
Yesterday I discovered that you can eat healthy and not be hungry.
Wow, imagine that!
I bought oatmeal to eat for breakfast which is something I never thought that I would eat…. ever…. as long as I live.
I actually enjoyed it.
I made sure I had Ziploc bags pre-packed the night before with carrot sticks and celery sticks, cauliflower, grapes, pickles, cherry tomatoes and some cucumbers. I grab 3 or 4 bags out of the fridge, throw them in my cooler, then about every 2 hours I grab a baggie and I eat something.
I got home last night I wasn’t even all that hungry. For supper I sauteed some chicken breasts that are boneless and skinless in some balsamic vinaigrette. I cooked some whole wheat pasta and then I sauteed mushrooms and broccoli added all of this to the pasta with the chicken a little of the balsamic vinaigrette and olive oil, salt and pepper. Even my husband ate it!
I was shocked because it did not include a pinto bean!
I have tried to psychoanalyze my eating habits for years and have always been extremely unsuccessful.
You would think being a registered nurse that I might possibly be capable of figuring out if I stress eat, emotional eat, boredom eat…..but no, my problem has always been that I ‘simply overeat’.
After spending a lot of time thinking on this last night I realized a few things…… I do have a psychological issue.
I think somewhere in the back of my mind because my mother and my father both disowned me, I feel Unworthy of love.
I somehow feel like one of those big fat bullies that you see on TV, that states they feel worthless. And bully before they can be bullied.
I feel like if I am fat no one can hurt me, no one’s going to rape me, abuse me, want me, hurt me and maybe….just maybe…. if I can look disgusting enough that nobody will ever love me enough to walk away again.
It’s a self protection mode using food as a weapon.
If I Stay fat maybe no one will find me worthy of their love and if no one finds me worthy of their love then I don’t ever have to worry about feeling pain or hurt again.
You know what?
It’s not true.
Whoever told you that lied to you (and me)
I’ll delve into the mommy and daddy issues at another time but the reality is ….. both parents walked away …..both parents decided that I was not worth it , therefore I decided I was not worth it. You know what?
I have been given a second chance at love with the most amazing husband I could have ever asked for. I have five amazing children, I have a brand new grandson and even if none of these people were in my life….I have me.
I am worth being as healthy as I possibly can be.
So fuck my mom!!!
Fuck my dad!!
I AM worthy.
So I decided last week that I was going to take horribly incriminating selfies of what I have allowed my body to become and starting today August 15th 2016 I was going to start a post to share with the world in order to keep myself accountable.
My goal has been to not reach 300 pounds.
How silly is this?
Somehow in my deluded mind I had convinced myself that as long as I stayed under 300 pounds I could still be considered beautiful and sexy.
My husband says I am so it must be true right???
Over the course of the last 2 months I have noticed my body telling me “youre both liars!”
I have to scoot to the edge of the couch in order to push myself into a standing position; if I am on the floor I must roll to my knees and find a hard surface to push myself up on; in order to get out of the bed I have to hold on to something sturdy to push myself into a standing position; I can no longer have sex on top of my husband as I lose my breath too easily and dont have the strenghth to do more than just sit there (not too much fun!); when I walk my thighs rub to the point that I will get a rash; if I’m going to shave my legs in the bathtub I have to sit on the edge as I can no longer put my leg up on the side.
These things, all rolled into one incredibly depressing thought, made me decide it’s time…..time to get it OFF.
Am I ready?
Am I going to do this?
I had every intention of taking a photo this morning in bra and panties to humiliate myself further by posting it on here for everyone to see.
I figure no one’s going to read this initially, but with an adequate weight loss and enough entertainment I might actually pick up a follower or two along the way. ( at a minimum I figure my ex husbands wife will read out of curiosity, my new husbands ex- wife as well….) misery breeds company and i am hoping, no praying…. they do. I want the accountability!
For now…. pictures I took in my car this morning.
Clearly taking photos is not my favorite thing because I’m fat.
I’m here….. I’m going to call it a safety zone and post them simply because I need to see them on a daily basis in order to keep myself grounded!!
When I got on the scales this morning, they said 302.2.
Wow, did you catch that?
Last week when I decided to do this it said 196.6.
I was okay with that. (Dumbass)
When I saw that 300 mark, I literally almost cried.
How could I have let this happen? Not only am I a mother to five children, I have the most amazing husband that I want to stay healthy for.
I am also a nurse… and nurse who has dedicated her life to teaching others how to stay healthy and stay alive for as long as possible.
Nope, not just a nurse, I am a hospice nurse. I teach patients how to fight until their very last breath and yet here I am at 302.2. Pounds!!
I’m going to attempt to keep my calories under 1200 a day probably around the 800 to 1000 Mark which may not be the healthiest but I’m going to be eating tons of negative calorie foods like broccoli, green beans, cabbage, cucumbers, tomatoes excetera.
I’m also going to eat every 2 hours in order to keep myself from feeling hungry with one regular meal at night only.
I feel quite confident that I will revise this numerous times as it goes on, as I am a glutton for food or I would not weigh what I weigh, right?
I’m going to attempt to post daily and put more incriminating selfies than anybody should ever post that is over the age of 18.
I apologize now to my husband and children for all of the embarrassing and horrible things that will also be posted as I feel like everything should be talked about openly in order for this to succeed. I need to go into this No Holds Barred, with full accountability to the whole world and anyone who may be reading this to see.